my screen looks like someone pressed the "fade color" button in iphoto

or maybe it is just my eyes. i can not tell. i havent washed my make up off and i probably wont because i am too lazy to get out of bed right now. I am so tired. I should be sleeping, but i cant fall asleep. I dont know why i keep rambling about my sleeping problems to you- so sorry. I dont really know why i am writing this. I just thought i needed to write. My creative writing teacher told us that even if we dont know what to write to keep writing even if we write "i do not know what to write" a few times because eventually something will come to mind. im kind of really jealous of gabrielle's ability to make best friends with the guys. just saying. i think i might need to actually take off my make up. It is hurting my face. I dont even have that much. Oh and yes. The two of them are actually dating. No he isnt dating me. Thanks for wondering silently though.  Goodnight. 

actual sign. no i didnt see it. i stole it from a website. yes stole. dont call the cops. its not worth it tonight.

i got lost and couldnt find out what lunch i had on my first day of Senior Year

You read the title of this post and are now laughing your head off because I am senior that has gone to the same school for the passed three years and I still got lost and had to ask someone what lunch i had. Are you done? Oh okay i will waiting for those last giggles. . . . . . . .  . . . . . . . . . . . . .  Dude stop. : )

I drove the bug today. Yes that car that i should i been driving last year but was too lazy to learn stick (actually i was terrified- still am- and now i am still terrified and driving it.) I didn't stall it once.. except when the red car was behind me at every stop we made. Oops. : ) BUT do not worry- i am so good at starting it back up again fast without the people behind me honking more than twice! Go me. I made it there safely and on the way home i did not stall it once, i was by myself so now one will believe me when i tell them i didn't.

Period one: Creative Writing. The teacher is like thirty and has too much energy for that early in the morning, but i really think i am going to love this class. It was all about writing creatively (hence the name of the class) and i like to creatively write stuff.

Period two: Productions. Same old same old. Drama never changes (the people the drama is about changes but with the same story and well.. drama)

Period three: Ap Literature. This teacher looks like a turkey with a gobbling neck and she scares me to death but i think this class will be very beneficial to me. I hope.

Well.. thats all. I don't have much to say. Lets see how tomorrow goes, eh?
P.S. SHE AND HIM CONCERT TOMORROW!

lying wide awake in the garden trying to get over your stardom

Have you tried going school shopping yet? It is absolutely impossible. Tonight I aerobic shopped throughout the entire Gateway mall and could not find one damn thing except for a purple water bottle. (I had to get a new one because I had this nice pink one that had stickers on it and was so perfect- but then i put it in the freezer and bottle exploded on me!) It was slightly very depressing to walk into a complete crowded store and walk out feeling like you are the only one who didn't see something to buy and are now officially empty handed except for a water bottle from Dicks (awful name.) And all i wanted to buy was one or two outfits for the first days of school and/or for the She and Him concert on thursday (I want to look extra cute for some reason) 

Next subject to discuss: I can not seem to fall asleep at all the past month. I lay in bed and think of everything and anything and everyone and their dog. It is awful. I tried counting sheep, i tried thinking of sleep- but nothing works. Once i fall asleep i am fine, but that does not happen until three am. 

Okay I am about to do a lame girly thing but i need to for the betterness of my own soul. (that sounded lame) I like this guy. Actually i never stopped liking him since i met him freshman year, but he is older and there is no way he would like me back right? Right- but i cant give up the dream of him liking me back. Anyway. I thought we kind of had something going- at least good friends. We would text constantly and he would say things that made me sure that he was falling madly in love with me, but i guess i misunderstood or was just blinded by his beauty and charm because I think he introduced me to his girlfriend the other night. Kind of really depressing huh? I cant stop thinking about him though.. like i just want him to text me or call me and tell me that the sunset looks beautiful like it used to. I guess i am just dreamer. 

On another sad topic, school starts on wednesday. Senior year. I know i should be excited but i am not. I am actually stressing this whole college thing. I don't know what to do, or how to write a personal statement or what that even is. I don't know how to sell myself (because clearly i cant get a guy to like me back since freshman year.) How do i know what to do? I want to grow up and go to college but i want someone to fill out the forms and get me to where i want to go. Pathetic eh? 

Well goodnight. : ) xoxo 

written from the coffee shop.

I sit at a coffee shop. Its crowded, tables filled, but with lonely faces. I sit alone. But so does everyone else. I beautiful couple passes me. Elegantly dressed, simple, beautiful. I hope that one day, I look just like that. The man across from me choose his muffin obnoxiously. His lips moving up and down, up and down, side to side. He scratches his left eye brow. Takes another bite. Girl with thick accent passes me. “where did she go?” leaves her red lips. Guy across from me still chews. This time his mouth chomps openly. I write. Wonder if they can here me. I hear familiar voices behind me. Joe. Patrick. Girl with a stomach as if she is pregnant sets down extra large slice of red cake with white icing. She isn’t pregnant. Just fat. Blue tee shirt guy sits down and eats the cake fast before she returns from fetching a cup of coffee. Women is slightly ugly dress writes on pink computer. The computer is tiny. Beautiful couple walks by again. Light turns green across the way. Jogger runs fast. Boy in a scouts uniform crosses with cautioned mother. “what is life when you are not living” says guy with black across from me. Not chewing anymore. I have to pee. I cant leave the table. I will loose it. The table. Light blue shirt man sets ice in cups next to girl in ugly dress and small purple computer. Chow truck drives away. Girl is black sweats throws entire cup of iced coffee away and exists behind me. Obviously gay older man struts next to me with his blue gym shorts pulled too high giving him a wedgie. No I didn’t chew. I am not sure it is happening. Sweet avian girls walk by. Indian looking man walks passed me in a yellow shirt.  I have goose bumps. Its kind of cold. Sunset is gone. Sky is now green clouded. Blue back drop. I smell pot. Gross. Overweight man waddles toward coffee shop. Smiles awkwardly. Brown bag in left hand. Bagels. Guy in black laughs loudly. Its piercing to the ears. Rap music in car that drives by. Unique fashion exists Cahoots. Dating couple passes awkwardly. I wish he would walk by. He wont. I wish to much. Still have to pee. Three bikers cross street. 

push for skatepark lights.

Concrete Rodeo skateboard event: Fairmont- Salt Lake City, Utah 

In photograph: Cherrie 

won’t find your spirit In a lost and found

I have been in a bit (that is kind of an understatement because it depends on what time of day it is really.) of a funk lately. Since Thursday last week i have wanted to cry- for no reason. I feel depressed and I shouldn't because i have more than anyone could ask for. I cant cheer myself up. When i am by myself i feel completely alone and I need to be with someone, but when i am with people i want to be alone. I hear people talking to me, but it doesnt feel like i am really there. I am physically, but not mentally. I may be going on about nothing and complaining and this is one of those posts you just skip by- but writing makes me feel better. (I lied. But it is nice to just rant sometimes is it not?)

 I think i need to be kissed. In movies the girl is always depressed and then this beautiful boy comes and they kiss and magic happens. Its like the film is in black and white and then KISS it is in color. The girl looks overwhelmingly happy. I think that is my problem. I need a Ren from Footloose, or a Johnny from Dirty Dancing, or even  jake Ryan from 16 Candles. Good luck with that right? Seriously.

 I just do not know why i feel this way. I have been eating healthy, i have been exercising to give me endorphins and endorphins are supposed to make you happy so you do not go and shoot your husband (name that movie...) I am living a perfect life. I am just stuck in the phunk and I want to get out.

anyways. Goodnight. xoxo

*Title: Mika "Blue Eyes" 

i am home and dont feel like writing right now.

Jonathan Boulet - A Community Service Announcement from Special Problems on Vimeo.

a sip of colorado kool-aid

Thursday:

• My adventure started at about 9:27 am. Our goal was to get out of the house at 9:30- so we were excited that finally the Rotermund family was going to be on time. 
• We drove for a few hours singing loudly until we reached the beautiful Steamboat Springs where we ate at Johnny B Good's (Gabrielle and I's favorite.) 
• Stuffed- we shoved ourselves into the big beluga (our giant white tour van) and drove to Winter Park. 
• After arriving, the crew and myself, walked around town and visited the skatepark to announce that the Concrete Rodeo has arrived. 
• We were each greeted with flowers and gift baskets. People flew to us asking for autographs  and hugs. An elderly women even came to me and begged me to kiss her child like I was Obama or something. (Okay- i exaggerated a little bit. But only about the gift baskets. haha) 
• Dinner was delicious and greasy at a local Pizza place. This was a hot spot for visitors and skiers- in the winter time (obviously)
• Gabrielle and I shared a nice little room at the Viking Lodge (Thank you Cdog) where we stayed up all night waiting for her hair to dry so it would not dry funny and get a natural bump it. (She still got a bump it- actually she got four) 
• we watched a dread awful movie but it was kind of entertaining
• i lost in a joke war to Max through text messages,
• Becca text me her concert situation 
• I slept soundlessly through the night. 

Friday: 

• Event Day
• I felt awful for most of the day. 
• I slept on a rock like a lizard in the morning during registration
• we had 36 kids enter!! Biggest event all year! So exciting! 
• Gabrielle announced! (this is one of her biggest fears but I forced her to do it instead of me so i could take pictures and she rocked the mic) 
• We stayed at Kristine's house (thank you) in Denver. 
• The salad at LOLA's was better than my burrito last year. 
• I slept on the floor (but slept well. I like the floor) 

Saturday: 

• we drove a lot today. (alot.) 
• the continental divide was pretty legit. (it has not changed much from last year) 
• I am currently in Glenwood Springs, Co. 
• There is a event tomorrow. 
• Pictures to come. 
• Goodnight. 
• xoxo

listen.

my friend Max created these. Check them out. I love them. 

 

my friend Max created these. Check them out. I love them. 

don't dial any numbers off of "how is my driving?" bumper stickers unless you want to have sex for 15% off.

I am sitting on deck this morning, just got home from the gym, and I am eating Special K Granola with "a touch of honey." Yum. It tastes good but there are not enough large clumps of honey granola goodness. Bummer. Anyways. I had planned on writing this post yesterday, and then when that didn't happen, last night, but that did not happen because I did not get home till the break of dawn. (Okay i lied. I got home at midnight, but one is allowed to exaggerate for emphasis that I was out last night late.) So anyways. I do not know where I was going with this. . . OH I should tell you about what happen to my mother and I driving today.

So we were driving right, me and mother, (i feel like I said that already) and we came across this car with a bumper sticker on the back that read "How is my driving? Call 1-800- EAT- SHIT" (pardon my french) And my Mother- being the carefree, wonderful, curious, women she is- said "I wonder if that is really someone's number?" To me that clearly was a hint to dial it and find out. I typed it in carefully making to spell EAT SHIT correctly. It rang once. Than disconnected me. I immediately received a text message. I opened it up and it read something along the lines of " Want to have steamy sex tonight with a hot babe in your area? Reply Yes to this number right now and you can get 15% off your next sex session" SO that was abbreviated and it did not have all the language and vulgar terms- i thought i would do you a favor and nit expose your innocent ears to such language. Moral of the story is don't dial any numbers off of "how is my driving?" bumper stickers unless you want 15% off sex.

I think it is high time for a music monday! Yay! I know it is not Monday, and it is in fact Tuesday, but you were deprived of music mondays yesterday so I would like to catch up. (I know this will be only the 2nd time Music Monday's has happened, but let us forget about that slight detail. Okay? Okay.) Today's musical artist is Memory Tapes.  (You probably have not heard of them due to the fact you are probably musically uneducated. But That is why I am here. )

Hometown: New Jersey.

The lineup: Dayve Hawk (vocals, music).

The background: The music of Memory Tapes is somehow creamy yet computerised, rapturous yet rhythmic, danceable yet dreamy. Dreamy is the word: Dayve Hawk, who is Memory Tapes, makes electronic dance music that is like a dream you might have had of a bunch of ghosts, of tribal dance around a blundering fire, or a swirly, psychedelic disco – the songs sound like what you have always imagined the aforementioned artists would make, even if you never got round to hearing them; like all the descriptions, all the evocative adjectives, you have ever read about them, transposed into sound. It's the best thing i've heard all week. (So that is a lie. I do not choose favorites. Songs might get left out.) 

Mr. Tapes is quite aloof and elusive, even if he does state that it's not his intention "to be wilfully mysterious". He's a stay-at-home dad of 28, "just some dude from southern New Jersey", who's "not that great with computers", can't drive, and doesn't own a mobile phone. Typical. He's remixed Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Peter Björn and John, and Britney Spears, which has predictably wowed the blogerati, and Michael Jackson's "people" have invited him to do one for a remix album, although he insists, "I'm not a DJ, and I'm not trying to rock a party" (even though he rocks my party) He describes himself as "a real spaced-out kid – I used to walk around in circles and envision this world happening around me. I would just come home from school and mess around in the basement until bedtime: recording, hooking things up, learning different instruments." He began working on material for Memory Tapes in high school, and ended up "having an email correspondence with the Cocteau Twins", who offered to bring him to England to record at September Sound, but it didn't happen – no phone = no plane ticket to Blighty. Now he makes budget-lavish, languorous disco, over which he warbles ethereally – many assume he's a woman. He's not, he's just in tune with the liquid and libidinal.  

Memory Tapes - "Bicycle" from Jamie Harley on Vimeo.

Memory Tapes : Treeship from Chris May on Vimeo.

Site & Sound: Memory Tapes from VanLou Media on Vimeo.

Enjoy. 

Lets talk about that lightning last night. Incredible. I do wish that it was raining, but the flashes in the night sky were insane. Last night in general was pretty enjoyable. It was nice and needed. Especially for my beastie Becca- who had a bad day. Here's a list: (you know how I love my lists) 

• do not have the dude behind the counter open your sparkling water unless you are going to go drink it right that. it will go flat and it will loose flavor and you will end up drinking it for hours and people will think you are weird
• did you know you can not really see your computer screen when you are out in the sunlight working? well you can't. 
• i edited my musical library last night and gave every song a title and artist (i had a lot that didn't have titles are artists.) I am proud of myself. Happy Ipod. 
• thats what she said jokes are not funny unless sung about in a song by Kramer and Max
• according to some people- shark week is more important that hanging out with friends
• Bonniville has a nice play ground but you should not go in the tunnel because things happen in there... AHH 
• Baja Blast Mountain Dew is not as good as others might say- but it is a taco bell original 
• you should always carry around a piece of paper and a pen so Paul can write down the titles to every song on your cd that you do not know the names of. 
• Jocelyn got a new cat. 
• and last but not least... how many blow jobs is enough blow jobs? 

Have a good day folks. Love you. xoxo 

We accept the love we think we deserve.

I finished the novel "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" by Stephen Chbosky, today and it has easily become one of my favorites.  (Yes, the title is from this story. Yes I know I am supposed to put quotation marks around it or else it is called plagiarism.. but it looks funny and presentation is everything. So get over it.) For those who have not read this amazing tale of fiction, I suggest going to the local library and borrowing it. And if you can/ wish- you may go to the book store and actually purchase it. (If you are like me.. I like to write in and highlight my books. I do not know why.) Every page was a new surprise. The story had me afraid, nervous, happy, laughing, crying, hoping, dreaming, wondering, and never gaining boredom from it. 

About the Book: 

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to receive letters from someone you've never met? In the novel, Charlie, a 14 year old boy- just entering high school, writes to a mystery person about life, love, and all the other things involved with growing up. He stands on the outside of life, making beautiful observations about how life doesn't always make sense. The people surrounding him make many efforts to have him "live his life" rather than sit on the sidelines. These attempts, along with the pains of growing up help Charlie to come to shocking realizations about his past. Stephen Chbosky created an amazingly, amazing, accurate picture of an introverted teenager growing up. Charlie is one of those rare charaters who feels like a friend you never want to lose. This novel paints a beautiful picture that everyone should see. So go read it. 

One of my favorite parts was a poem that Charlie read and shared throughout the novel. 

Here it is: 

Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines
 he wrote a poem
And he called it "Chops"
 because that was the name of his dog
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
 and a gold star
And his mother hung it on the kitchen door
 and read it to his aunts
That was the year Father Tracy
 took all the kids to the zoo
And he let them sing on the bus
And his little sister was born
 with tiny toenails and no hair
And his mother and father kissed a lot
And the girl around the corner sent him a
Valentine signed with a row of X's
 and he had to ask his father what the X's meant
And his father always tucked him in bed at night
And was always there to do it

Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines
 he wrote a poem
And he called it "Autumn"
 because that was the name of the season
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
 and asked him to write more clearly
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
 because of its new paint
And the kids told him
 that Father Tracy smoked cigars
And left butts on the pews
And sometimes they would burn holes
That was the year his sister got glasses
 with thick lenses and black frames
And the girl around the corner laughed
 when he asked her to go see Santa Claus
And the kids told him why
 his mother and father kissed a lot
And his father never tucked him in bed at night
And his father got mad
 when he cried for him to do it.

Once on a paper torn from his notebook
 he wrote a poem
And he called it "Innocence: A Question"
 because that was the question about his girl
And that's what it was all about
And his professor gave him an A
 and a strange steady look
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
 because he never showed her
That was the year that Father Tracy died
And he forgot how the end
 of the Apostle's Creed went
And he caught his sister
 making out on the back porch
And his mother and father never kissed
 or even talked
And the girl around the corner
 wore too much makeup
That made him cough when he kissed her
 but he kissed her anyway
 because that was the thing to do
And at three a.m. he tucked himself into bed
 his father snoring soundly

That's why on the back of a brown paper bag
 he tried another poem
And he called it "Absolutely Nothing"
Because that's what it was really all about
And he gave himself an A
 and a slash on each damned wrist
And he hung it on the bathroom door
 because this time he didn't think
 he could reach the kitchen.

"It's kind of like when you look at yourself in the mirror and you say your name. 

And it gets to a point where none of it seems real. 

Well, sometimes, I can do that, but I don't need an hour in front of a mirror. 

It just happens very fast, and things start to slip away. 

And I just open my eyes, and 

I see nothing. 

And then I start to breathe really hard trying to see something, 

but I can't. 

It doesn't happen all the time, 

but when it does, 

it scares me." 

- Charlie, The Perk of Being A Wallflower